Last year my wife (at the time fiance of three weeks) was diagnosed with what has turned out to be a terminal brain tumor. She has a malignant brain-stem glioma that has proved resistant to most every type of treatment that we have tried. In the beginning, there was a lot of hope. We had the best doctors at one of the best cancer research hospitals in the world, with specialists in neuro-oncology looking into her case. It was a rare case (usually her type of malignant brain tumor is either a pediatric or gerontologic cancer), but doctors were hopeful that, with treatment, she would be able to keep it to the level of a closely monitored chronic disease that might need further addressing in 5-10 years. She had a biopsy, underwent many rounds of chemotherapy (both oral and infusions), a whole heaping helping of radiation, and of course the obligatory check-ups, blood tests, clinic visits, and consultations that come with having cancer. My role was as the caretaker who couldn't fix her, but could make sure that she had the most comfortable and best life possible. I planned our wedding, planned a honeymoon, and a ton of other things to just lift her spirits throughout this process. Cancer is a rollercoaster ride; much of the time you are just living in a holding pattern between MRIs and check-ups, hoping that nothing has progressed or changed. It drains you of energy and life, on almost every level. You are physically wiped from helping your partner, and they are debilitated from their disease and treatment. You are emotionally wiped from the sheer sadness and constant confrontation with mortality, and trying to put on a happy face anyway and enjoy what life you have left. You are spiritually wiped because you just see the doors of your future continually closing as a couple: no kids, no growing old together; at best you fight for a happy now. You get tired of people too: every family member, friend, acquaintance, or general Joe-Schmoe comes out of the wood work when they find out that someone they know is potentially dying, and many expect you to fit them into your schedule so they can see you and "make their peace." Some people are awesome about this and are enjoyable company; many aren't, making it clear they are just there for their own emotional self-soothing and aching guilt for not reaching out sooner. Finally you are just drained because life doesn't stop just because your SO is sick: bills still need to be paid, jobs still need to be done, and if you have to make accommodations for any of this a shit-ton of paperwork needs to be done.
As mentioned before, none of the treatments worked. In November my wife was given a few months to live due to the tumor growing anew at a much faster rate and at a much greater ferocity. Her condition has deteriorated rapidly since Christmas, and she has needed a surgical intervention to alleviate symptoms. If she makes it to her birthday in February, it will be considered a "miracle" according to her oncologists. I am terrified, she is some version of terrified that I can't even comprehend. We both feel defeated; cheated out of a relationship and happy life together. We cry most days, sometimes have good days, and watch a ton of "Amazing Race" reruns.
I really wanted to work hard on this blog this year, because this provided a necessary escape. I love video games; I have since I was a little kid. I love the games themselves, the culture surrounding them, and their rich history. I want to be part of the conversation around them (even if this blog is just me talking to myself sometimes). I look forward, when this is all over, to just jumping into them again. Hopefully this will be a healthy dive: a much needed escape rather than an obsessive rabbit hole (let's be honest it will be both). It has just been so hard to dedicate time this year, and frankly, I haven't been too pleased with the content that I have put out. I have done a more cursory glance at some of the games rather than give them the time they deserve, and my editing skills have been sub-par. I don't know when I will have time for this blog again, but I know I will return to it someday.
Here are the things I promise will happen when I do return to this crazy thing I call a blog...
1) There is going to be a big reformatting of 16 bit Chronicles. I am not happy with the format, and I feel like, with many games, I am just providing a synopsis of what is on its wikipedia page (this may be the fault of some of the games just not having anything interesting to say about them, but I still hold myself to a Rumplestiltskin standard of turning shit into gold). I may make the blog more experiential or diary style, or might make it more of a "challenge" style. I don't know, and it is going to take a lot of thought and planning in the next month or so. I may even change this thing into a podcast, or at least have a supplemental podcast to go with it. I also might start picking future games at random, as that will help break up the monotony of five clunker games in a row.
2) I am not happy with the look of the blog itself, and the design of the aesthetics is really noisy, outdated, and cheap. I am going to try harder on this end to make this a more accessible, noticeable, and pleasant reading experience. I might have to break out the old wallet on this one.
3) As far as side projects, I really do want to continue Capcom A to Z. I am having a lot of fun with that one, and I am enjoying playing old arcade games during my free period at work. I would also want to start looking at other "Games in Order" by developer, auteur directors or production companies, or other consoles. These side projects might also include other types of media. I really would like to start a "games club" style podcast and/or youtube/twitch channel, but am currently trying to shanghai one of my friends into joining me (as much as I love talking to myself).
4) Finally, I am going to try to keep myself to a blogging schedule, with a goal of making two blog posts a week. One of these posts would be a dedicated 16 bit Chronicles post, and the other of a different project (thought this might both be 16 bit Chronicles depending on the length of the game).
Finally guys...Happy 2020. I wish my new decade started on a better note, but hopefully things will look up someday far off down the road. Spare a loose prayer or thought for my anonymous wife you don't know and wish us luck on this difficult journey ahead.
